Muffi's Wonderous Experience
By R. T. Hamilton Brown © 2009 by R. T. Hamilton Brown Hello Mitsy, do I ever have good news!” “Don’t tell me Muffi, let me guess. You just got laid by that sexy UPS stud or your ex finally got caught up with his alimony?” “No, nothing as mundane as all that. Ralph, the Sex Robot finally was delivered this morning.” “Huh, what the hell you talking about sweetie?” “You know that Hammer and Schlammer catalog that we get five times a week now that Christmas is only seven months away? The one with all the high tech gadgets in it.” “Yeah, the place I got ‘Wally, the Robot Wall Washer’ that filled my house with three feet of water, I know them only too well.” “Well, they had a special pre-season sale on their new beta model of this robotic sexy stud guy. He only cost one dollar plus shipping and handling. All I have to do is use him for a month and fill out their questionnaire and I’ll get the first pre-production Mark One model that they’ll have available in their August Back To School Catalog for, now get this, for only $17,999.99.” “And how much was the shipping and handling on this dollar Ralph studly guy, Muffi dear?” “Only $749.47, not bad, coming all the way from Uzbekistan.” “I think I remember seeing him in their catalog, didn’t they have a female version for the pleasure of men?” “Yeah, they did Mitsy, but I didn’t pay it no heed, I think her name was Martha. Stupid name for a sex object I think, not like Ralph, that really lights my fire.” “Well, I can hardly wait to hear how he worked. Are you gonna tell me about it or do I have to wait and read about it on that silly web site you write up every week?” “Better than that my dear Mitsy, why don’t you come over this morning and I’ll plug him in and you can watch me and Ralphie get it on? If you’re good, I might even let you have a go at him.” “I’m on my way Hon, should I bring my own rubbers?” “Silly girl, you think he’d squirt a few electrons in you and you’d give birth to a four slice toaster? Get your fat little ass over here; I can’t wait to try him out.” By the time I had put the phone down Mitsy was banging on my front door. I answered it seconds before she broke it down. “Okay, where is this wonderful mechanical stud robot thingy you just got? I brought my video camera and I’m gonna make like that Annie Libestrovitz while you do the robot.” “The Hell you are! Put that thing down, you ain’t gonna send a vid of me and Robot Ralph to that YouseTube place. I know how your pea brain works Mitsy. I ain’t no techno dummy from Peoria” “Okay, okay, let me see him, I promise to leave the camera in here in the foyer.” “I already got him in the bedroom, I haven’t unpacked him yet, he’s still in this big cardboard box.” “Wow, how’d you move that in here, it must be seven feet tall and weigh a ton.” “No, he’s surprisingly light. That catalog said he was made out of magnesium, titanium, carbon fiber, eco-correct plastics, and hand formed ceramics.” “Well, let’s let Robot Ralph out of his box and get him in yours, I can hardly wait.” “Here’s a box cutter, you do that side I’ll do this side. Be careful, I don’t want him all cut up.” “Wow, look at that guy Muffi! Six feet of mechanical sex! But, he doesn’t have a thingy down there. Are you sure you ordered the right thing?” “Just wait a minute, here’s an extra box, let’s see what’s in it. Ah ha! Look at that, four different sized cocks and directions. Oh oh, they’re written in Uzbekistani or whatever language those Uzbekistanis use.” “Look on the back dummy, there’s an English translation, sort of.” “It says that ‘Robot Ralph is elektrikal-ly operayteed from a Merican style home ploog.’” “As far as I can figure, it says the battery operated model has been delayed until new light weight batteries are available. The beta beta models of this beta model weighed 200 kilograms and caused test models to have crushed pelvic bones. Their translation is almost as bad as that Uzbekistani language itself. I think it says the voltage is reduced in the ‘transformable powerful sopply’ to a safe level.” “Well Muffi, you’re on your own with Ralphie. I’ll plug him in. Go get him hon!” “Oh, look at this Mitsy, it says he is voice activated and will respond to my commands, I set the dial on his back to either Uzbekistani, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Mandarin, or ‘Inklishk.’ Do you think we speak Inklishk deary?” “It also says that the four different sized ‘Peeniksez’ are for various sized ‘Poooziees’. The six inch is for virgins, the seven inch is for beginners in their first year, the eight inch for experienced women, and the nine inch is for, now get this my dear, ‘Feemails wid elephantine Poooziees.’ Too bad they don’t have the ten inch one for you.” “Fuck you Mitsy, gimmee the seven incher and I’ll attach it. Do they have any balls in there? I want my man to have balls.” “Yeah, here they are, they look like brass, but they’re real light. I’ll put them on. Ooohh, look at that, they glow. Does his dick glow too? “No, I guess not, it’s going to be someplace where you couldn’t see it glow if it did. Okay, he’s all hooked up and ready to go, now what?” “Oh, look at this Muffi, it looks like the business end of a little league baseball bat. Let’s see there’s some writing on it. ‘Speckial Deviz for Anal Servinkzes’” “I don’t think I’ll be needing that, I might be kinky, but I’m not that kinky.” “Hey Hon, whatever floats your Hobie Cat.” “Come on Muffi, whatcha gonna do now? Looks like you’ll have to get up on a box and climb onto his seven incher.” “You got the directions, let me see them a minute. Here it is, oh oh, it seems that this is the basic model, that’s why he has that flat two dimensional face and those hunks of coal for eyes. The deluxe model has the good plastic skin and not that stuff like an old garden hose with the green and red stripes like Ralph has. Your basic model here is semi articulated and needs to be positioned for pleasure before being activated. The deluxe model is fully articulated and has the motions of a real man. He also has a full vocabulary and not the abridged one of the basic model.” “Let me have those directions and I’ll read them to you step by step. Let’s try him out first. Look here, that command there will get him into action, try it.” “Okay Ralph, fuck me!” “Oops, did you set him for English? It says to turn his left ear one click to the right. Here, I’ll do it. It also says that he does not understand words other than his basic commands. Just say fuck.” “FUCK.” “Muffi, I don’t think Ralph is in the mood.” “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.” “Wait a min Muff, they spell it fook in their weird translation. Try saying fook. “FOOK.” “Oh wow, look at that pelvic thrusting, you can change his speed by saying faster or slower. One other command they list is eat, try it.” “EAT.” “Holy cow Batgirl, look at that tongue, it’s bigger than the ‘first year beginners cock.’ Look at it wobble Muffi, you’re going to have a ball! Hell, he could do us both at the same time!” “STOP FOOK, STOP EAT.” “Okay Mitsy, I’ll take my clothes off and lie down on the bed and you help me get him on top of me, I think I’ll start out with the good old missionary position. Look the other way or shut your eyes.” “How the Hell can I do anything if I can’t see anything you dumb ass! I’ve seen you in the tennis club shower; I know what you look like.” “Yeah, but you’ve never seen me ready for sex flat on my back with my legs up in the air.” “You want my help? You let me see, now get ready!” “Oh alright, here I go, get him on me. It sure would be nice if he’d say something sweet before sticking me with that ceramic cock.” “Oh, I forgot, it says here all you need to say to him is ‘love’ and he will wax poetic with the lovey dovey talk. At least I think it says that. Fucking Uzbekistani Inklishk. Are you ready? By the way, nice tits you have there, they don’t flatten out when you’re on your back. They must be the deluxe silicone, right?” “Of course they are, I’m not a chintz when it comes to my body like some people I know. I’m gonna try the love talk now.” “ LOVE” “.kcoc inatsikebzU hcni enin ro, thgie, neves, xis ym htiw drah uoy koof ot tnaw I .namow elamef lufituaeb era uoY” “STOP.” “.kcoc inatsikebzU hcni enin ro, thgie, neves, xis ym htiw drah uoy koof ot tnaw I .namow elamef lufituaeb era uoY” “STOP DAMNIT, I SAID STOP!” “.kcoc inatsikebzU hcni enin ro, thgie, neves, xis ym htiw drah uoy koof ot tnaw I .namow elamef lufituaeb era uoY” “Muffi dear, tell him what to stop.” “STOP LOVE.” “What the Hell was that Mitsy, what was he blathering about?” “Wait a minute, let’s see, oh yeah, it says here that the basic model doesn’t have a polarized plug and if Ralph talks in reverse, turn the plug around. I’ll get it Hon, just a sec. Now try it again.” “.EVOL” “No, no, no you dummy, you talk normal, geeze Louise, get with the program!” “LOVE.” “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” “LOVE.” “I fook you for the great Uzbekistan Republic my little bitch woman.” “STOP LOVE.” “I don’t know if I want to be fooked for the damn Uzbekistan anything! Does he say anything else?” “He will sing the Uzbekistan National Anthem when he climaxes. And, I didn’t tell you this, but it says here that he has been preloaded with a gallon of artificial semen and not the real semen from Uzbekistani sailors that is used in the deluxe model. That’s good for 100 fucks, I mean fooks” “Well thank God for small favors Mitsy. I’ll give him another go, are you ready?” “Oh yes Muffi my dear, let Ralph rip. Here, let me get his ceramic thing near your thingy so you don’t get a ceramic enema. If his aim is anything like his sweet talk, you’re in big trouble” “LOVE.” “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” “FOOK.” Bang, rattle, clank, thunk, “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” Bang, rattle, clank, thunk, “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” Bang, rattle, clank, thunk, “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” “STOP LOVE, STOP FOOK.” “He’s good Mitsy, really good! All that mechanical noise drowns out his voice and his ceramic cock fits almost perfectly. I think I might need the next larger size though, can you change it?” “Sure Hon, do you want the eight inch for the experienced woman or the nine inch for the eleph-----“ “Shut the fuck up and put the eight incher on you stupid slut!” “Hey don’t yell at me, there’s an LCD readout on his backside that blinks ‘niner needed, niner needed.’” “Fuck you Mitsy with the itsy bitsy titsy!” “Okay, I got the eight inch cock all tightened down, try and let him go on until you get a super orgasm this time. I’m kinda anxious to watch Ralph come myself.” “LOVE, FOOK.” Bang, rattle, clank, thunk, “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” Bang, rattle, clank, thunk, “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” Bang, rattle, clank, thunk, “You are beautiful female woman. I want to fook you hard with my six, seven, eight, or nine inch Uzbekistani cock.” “FASTER.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” “Oh, oh, oh, OH, OH, I’m coming, I’m coming, for my head is bending low, I hear those gentle voices calling, ‘Old Black Joe.’” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut “MUFFI, CAN YOU HEAR ME? JUST YELL COMING! YELL IT LOUD!” fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” Bangrattleclankthunk, “Yo ar beaut fem wo. I wa to fook yo ha wit my sx, sen, ght, ni ch Uzbekistani co.” “COMING.” Bang, rattle, claaannnkk, ttthhhuuunnnnkkkk. “Oh Uzbekistan, Oh Uzbekistan, how you we all love you. Oh Uzbekistan, Oh Uzbekistan we will be true blue. We kicked the Commies out and fooked them good and hard. Oh Uzbekistan, Oh Uzbekistan how we all love you!!! Our spirit is renewed, our spirit is so strong. Our love for you festers fast, just like an open sore. Oh Uzbekistan, Oh Uzbekistan, how you we all love you. Oh Uzbekistan, Oh Uzbekistan we will be true blue!!! We sell junk to a Mericans and to the Rooskies too. We love our land, we love our sand, and the smoke filled air. Oh Uzbekistan, Oh Uzbekistan, how you we all love you.” “What’s that smell Muffi? It smells like old dirty motor oil, it looks like old dirty motor oil. Holy shit, it’s running out of your thing. It must be Ralph’s juices. He’s pumping his semen tank dry! Tell him to stop. NOW! I’ll pull the plug!” “STOP LOVE, STOP FOOK, STOP COMING.” Bbbaannggg, raaaaa------. “Oh my God Mitsy, Ralph is one good fook, he’s the best fook I’ve ever had. In fact, he’s the only fook I’ve ever had. Now it’s your turn, put that nine incher on and I’ll help you get in position.” “Fook you, fook Ralph, I am going home to my Vince Vibrator, at least he’s not so messy.” “No way Hon, you’re gonna try him, here, I’ll just plug him in. Come back here! Okay Ralphie, this one’s for Mitsy.” “LOVE, FOOK.” “.kcoc inatsikebzU hcni enin ro, thgie, neves,xis ym htiw drah uoy koof ot tnaw I .namow elamef lufituaeb era uoY” “Aw shit!!!!” |
Several years ago there were a slew of articles about the new age of robotics in various technical publications.
This prompted me to tell the story about my friends Muffi and Mitsy and their experience with one of the first totally human-like robots. Be prepared, some of the language is rather base, but considering my two friends and the origin of Ralph, the Sex Robot, it is to be expected. |